8:17 AM:
after several realizations and wake up calls, i have decided to take a break, possibly a long break, from this website, and i may not return. i have realized the spiral my mental health has been on for the past two years, and i need help. im tired of this, being hopeless and trying to become some bad person so i dont have to feel scared, or afraid of the world. im tired of forcing out the love and forgiveness with hate, im tired of looking in the mirror and not seeing myself, im tired of hurting myself and punishing myself because i just cant let go of the past. things have happened to me have turned me into someone im not. if i want to break that shell away and find who i am on the inside, i need to let go of the stuff thats keeping me here. the brooding, the morbid OBSESSIONS, the everything. i am a sick person, and im going to find a way to get better. i dont know how, but im going to find a way no matter how fucking hard it is. i say that knowing that tomorrow i will probably want to fucking die again. knowing that im going to have those thoughts creep into my head, and those parts of me that i made to protect myself turning on me. i know it will not get better in a week, a month, or maybe a year, but i NEED to TRY. i need to. theres nothing else if i dont. i dont want to become who i used to want to become. who knows, maybe things will turn out good for me? every day i feel hopeless, like theres nothing that can be done and im just marching closer to my inevitable doom, but on the inside im constantly screaming for help. maybe thats what this was, just another cry for help. i dont want this, i dont want the alternative to play out. im taking a step to get better hy stepping away i guess. this was really personal for me, and i dont know how to feel, but i think i might leave this up for awhile. idk. i want to do good in the world. i feel like my mind has been to places that not a lot of people have gotten out of, and i know im probably being dramatic, but i want to try and make a change. i dont want to become something that brings sadness. i want to be something to maybe help change that fate. i dont care if my life doesnt matter, thats never bothered me. i want to do something while im here, and i want that impact to be good, even if ive been becoming worse. i will make another website again. i dont know what it will be about. maybe just stories that i write and stuff, hoping somebody out there likes them. thats something i truly enjoy doing. writing and creating worlds and people. thats what i will become. im sorry for running off so soon even though i know its likely nobody really cares, its a large website with thousands of people out there creating amazing things every day, far more interesting than this kinda lame personal blog i have, and i guess im mostly talking to myself here. but anyways, yea, this website has been a very small fraction of a very long two or three year (more like lifelong) mental breakdown. its not quite over yet, and i dont remember much of who i was before, but im going to find it. im going to get better. and you might hear from me again on a site completely different from here, even if you dont know its me. there might be a chance. maybe im naive and way too ambitious, but thats a good start ig. when i was a kid i was always so goddamn naive. maybe this is the start of coming back? i hope so.